Nice/NotNice 2011 Round-Up!

After careful consideration, I think the best thing of 2011 was the discovery of Tonetta!


Warning: Please only watch if you want your life to change drastically in a little over 3 minutes.










Actually, "Drugs Drugs Drugs" is kind of good...

2012

When the world ends, this is the last thing we will all see:

Missed Connections I could potentially recieve

Girl w/bloody finger at DMV - m4w (fell st.)

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Date: 2011-12-01, 11:31AM PST
Reply to:

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you came in with a bandaid on your finger and then a little while later it was gone and then i left and there was a bloody bandaid stuck to my shoe and i am just wondering if you have hiv or hepatitis? respond and tell me which one of your fingers was bleeding so i know its really you.

Tall Girl in Ill-Fitting Clothes - m4w (TL)

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Date: 2011-11-29, 2:18PM PST
Reply to:

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You look like you are wearing children's clothes, but you're clearly in your mid- to late-twenties and about 6 feet tall. Go to the Big & Tall store.

Chick with black eye - m4w (24 hour van ness)

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Date: 2011-09-29, 4:02PM PST
Reply to:

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you looked like you had a major shiner on your left eye. if you want i can beat up whoever gave it to you and we can go for drinks or something. i was the short guy watching you stretch. 

doppeldog

doppeldog, a photo by unphotographable on Flickr.

VERY INTERESTING!!!

Shame's my name

I would like to see Shame, a film about a sex addict played by Michael Fassbender. This is what Michael Fassbender looks like, in case you were wondering:

Eeew! Well, I guess I will endure it for the sake of cinema.

 But here's my true dilemma: how do I do it without looking like a creep/feeling extremely awkward?

• If I go with a friend it will be uncomfortable because it's an NC-17 film about a sex addict. 
• If I go by myself I am going to be the person who is sitting alone in a dark theatre, watching an NC-17 film about a sex addict and eating Junior Mints. Actually, maybe I could make this one work for me and go in and zero in on a couple in the (probably) sparsely populated theatre and sit right next to them. Without even a seat between us. Then I could offer them a candy like that girl at the end of Ferris Bueller: "They've been in my pocket. They're real warm and soft."

So, what should I do? I already feel self-conscious because I tried to watch the red band trailer via Fox Searchlight's facebook page, and it wasn't working. I clicked on the link like 15 times before I thought What if they are sending an email to my mom, notifying her every time I click on this?

Or what if it is showing up on my profile: 

Brooke likes Shame. 

 Brooke likes Shame.

 Brooke likes Shame.

 Brooke likes Shame.

Brooke likes Shame.

Brooke likes Shame.

? 

I'll tell you what. I WOULD PROBABLY MAYBE FEEL SHAME. 

Oh yeah, P.S. I am 28 years old and I'm fretting over this. And I just posted it on my blog so everyone knows I want to see a movie about a sex addict! 

bummed

I bought these tights in Medium/Large and the kneepad is on my shin because I'm too goddamn tall.

Christmas Spirit 2011

Christmas is already ruined for me this year, because I have heard "Wonderful Christmas Time" 5 times already and it's not even December yet. This is absolutely the worst Christmas song ever and possibly one of the worst songs ever, period. Instead of making me feel cozy and sentimental it conjures visions of Paul McCartney stretched out on a mustard shag carpeting, plucking an electric rubber band. It inspires no feelings of love or charity. Only rage. Blinding, white rage, bright as the north star. 

 Last year I successfully went all season without hearing it once, and I hoped to make that a thing. A thing where I never have to hear that awful song again. But that was ruined on November 22nd, when I attempted to tune into "Love Songs After Dark" on the local cheese-ball radio station and instead got Christmas music. Apparently I couldn't even make it to Thanksgiving this year before hearing that piece of shit song. He can't even fit all the words into his chorus! Simply. Having. Awonderfulchristmastime! And it's not like Paul McCartney doesn't know how to write a song. HE WAS A BEATLE! HE WAS 1/2 OF ONE OF THE GREATEST SONG WRITING TEAMS IN HISTORY! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, PAUL! YOU'RE NOT RINGO! HAVE SOME DIGNITY!

Oh my God, I am so worked up now. The only antidote is to listen to Bing Crosby or this song, which is a perfect example of Christmas cheesy-ness done correctly: 

Now THAT'S a good Christmas pop song. If I had my way Paul McCartney would get a lump of crap in his stocking every single year.

View from Twin Peaks

San Francisco at Night, a photo by unphotographable on Flickr.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO: ATTACKED BY BEES?

Hey y'all! Today I'd like to talk to you about something very important. I'd like to talk to you about Leonardo DiCaprio, and I'd like your thoughts on why he doesn't take some Benadryl or poke himself with an epipen to take down that swelling he's had going on since about 2001? It's pretty clear that it's not just going to go away on its own, Leo, and it's really just getting worse.

'Sup?

In 1996 my friends and I all went to see Romeo + Juliet starring Mr. DiCaprio and Angela Chase. If you are into dudes and you saw that movie, you were probably one of the thousands of people who audibly gasped when Romeo is introduced with a slow pan up his long, lean body to his insanely angelic face. I'm not kidding, the entire theatre was one huge whoosh of breath. Popcorn exploded. He was beautiful. He was seriously beautiful. My dad was like "Sweetie, that is a lady" when I started taping his picture up all over my room, but I didn't care. I suppose androgyny is comforting to middle school girls and that's why guys who looked like DiCaprio looked are popular with that age. I can tell you I'm really not into it now (with few exceptions). But he was very beautiful and very slim and had lips like a cupid's bow. I also stand by my statement that he was a great actor. I used to scream that a lot at my dad when he made fun of me for liking such a pretty boy. "HE IS A GREAT ACTOR AND YOU ARE A BUTTFACE DAD!" I would scream, and slam my door and cry onto my Leonardo DiCaprio pillow (not really).

(This was also when the internet was fresh and new and one time in a chat room someone said they'd send me a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio and it was his head photoshopped onto a naked man with a giant penis. I didn't know what to do about it. Later we sold that computer to our older neighbor and I wiped the drives but I was still terrified that the DiCaprio Porn was lurking somewhere and would spring out at her one afternoon.)

Is this what happened to you, Leo?

Anyway, he was around 23 when he made Romeo + Juliet. And after that he was in Titanic and we all know what happened then. And I think perhaps something else happened that we were not aware of, which is that Leonardo DiCaprio got stung by a bee. Maybe a few bees, or a large bee, or even a yellow jacket that stung him more than once. Whatever it was, Leonardo began to change.

Who is this?

It looked like maybe he was sick of being a skinny pretty boy and wanted to be taken seriously which okay, whatever. It looked like maybe he was pumping a lot of iron or taking steriods? He was in his 20's when he was the pretty Leo, so it's not like he was just a 16 year old who grew up and filled out. Right? Am I off base here? I am honestly really curious. It's hard for me to think that he just got fat because he has a bajillion dollars and probably has 32 personal trainers and chefs and someone to put their finger down his throat if he overeats and needs to purge. And he doesn't really look fat. He just looks kind of bloated. I don't even know what I'm trying to say here and I know he could give a shit what I think since he's off dating and being a dick to supermodels, except I am so distracted by trying to understand his physical transformation that I can't pay attention to his acting or anything else. I don't really enjoy his films anymore. I try to follow the plot but I'm just like, "Dude, go see your allergist."

Old People

Call my dog Peanuts.

Worst Band Name of All Time

Hey! Here's a contest! Let's decide, once and for all, THE WORST BAND NAME OF ALL TIME!!!!

The winner gets a copy of the greatest hits of the band they nominated.

Here is my contribution:

Hoobastank.

Oh shit! Looks like this contest is over before it began! I win! I win!

Feel free to challenge me, but you know I'm right.

This One Time...

I got this sweater in Austin, Texas at a heavy discount (I think the price had been reduced three times). It is ill-fitting and made for someone twice my size, but also cozy and comforting. I mostly wore it around the apartment but one chilly day I bundled myself up in it and walked up the hill to the grocery store. I was crossing the street and this guy driving by stuck his head out the window and yelled: "Nice sweater!" and I had the beginnings of a smile on my face and was about to say "Thank you!" when he added: "YOU FREAK!"Here are a couple reasons why I disagree with his statement:  I feel as though wearing this sweater in Austin, Texas might be freakish since it is normally very hot, but San Francisco is cold and wet and it seems appropriate. Also, I lived in The Tenderloin at this time, and for every three people you pass in the TL, one is bat-shit crazy. There is a man who dresses like a Geisha and paints his face white and draws huge, jagged lips over his mouth and shuffles around pulling on his hair, talking to himself. That kind of crazy. So, I really took issue with this guy singling me out to call me a freak. I sadly bought my bread and peanut butter and sadly walked back down the hill. I told Mark what happened and he started laughing, and then I laughed, too. But I still kind of wished that guy had crashed his car. What was he doing looking out the window and calling people freaks when he was driving?!

THE END, a photo by Dill Pixels on Flickr.

Paulie Loves Joannie

Well this is just going to kill me. Can't get any better than Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. Ugh, God. Just look at them!

Update!

In case anyone was wondering how my battle with sugar is going (I may have stupidly declared this "No Sugar November," lol Brooke), I recently bought a dozen mini-cupcakes and hid in my bedroom and ate them all while watching Paranormal Activity 2.



What makes this story even more alarming and pathetic (if you can believe it) is that between buying the cupcakes and consuming them I watched Thor with one of my housemates, his girlfriend, his sister, and her husband. This would have been a great opportunity share the cupcakes and to be a nice person and a good hostess and also ensure I would not eat all 12 cupcakes myself. But I kept my little secret and I ate the shit out of those cupcakes.

 Then I ate a cookie.

The war rages on, my friends...

Update November 14th: Consumed an entire 9" cake by myself. Okay, my mom had once slice. When will it end?

Important diagram.

Circa February 2006

Read my story on The Hairpin!

Hey guys! Guess what?! The Hairpin ran my 5 Scary Movies to Watch this Halloween. Check it out! I adore their website, so this is huge for me.

So maybe if you google my name now maybe something will come up other than a lady who runs backpacking trips for business people or this:

I'd just like to say, for the record, that it did NOT say "a pair of thongs" on the packing list. It just said "thongs." I would know what they meant if they said "a pair." NICE REPORTING.

Easy, last-minute Halloween Costumes

If you waited until the last minute to assemble a Halloween costume, I have a few simple, quick ideas that incorporate easy to find items with things you already probably have around the house (like a satin jacket with a scorpion on the back).

Dexy's Midnight Runners

Um, how easy is this? Get your overalls out (because I know you still have them, cause you were hoping they'd come back in style. Guess what? THEY WON'T) and cuff the legs. Then all you need is an undershirt and a bandana knotted around your neck and some sweet dance moves. You also need $.99 to download the song onto your phone so you can play it on repeat so everyone knows that you're not just dressed as a random ragamuffin. 

For the Pros: Make dummies of other members of the band. Do that thing where you tie them to a broomstick on either side of you so you all move in unison. I can't find a video but I think you know what I mean. 

 R.J. MacReady, The Thing

So I'm on a little bit of a The Thing kick. So what? It's my blog. Fuck you! Here's what you need: leather bomber jacket (I think you could get away with a winter jacket with a fur-lined hood, too), sombrero, shades, beard. Maybe a bottle of whiskey. Everyone is going to think you are so badass, especially when you start lighting shit up WITH YOUR FLAME THROWEEEERRR!! For the Pros: Frozen MacReady! Put up the hood on a blue hoodie and draw the drawstrings really tight. Put icicles in your beard.

Coach Eric Taylor, Friday Night Lights

Panthers Coach: Blue hat, blue polo, blue windbreaker. Lions Coach: Red hat, red polo, red windbreaker. Always: Sunglasses string, whistle, khaki shorts, athletic socks, amazing wife. For the Pros: Uhh, give a couple inspirational speeches.

The Kid, Drive 

If you don't have blonde hair, bleach it. Then get a satin jacket with a scorpion on the back. Driving gloves. A hammer. Boom. Don't forget your toothpicks! For the Pros: Wear a creepy bald mask. Get blood all over your jacket. 

Michael MacDonald 

Get fat and wear a turtleneck and I don't know, grow a fucking beard and let your hair turn gray! Why did you wait so long to figure out your costume?! God dammit!!

If you're a girl: Just do any of the above, but sexy. (I wasn't going to make that joke, because it's been done to death, but I really wanted to photoshop a Sexy Frozen MacReady.)

My review of The Thing 2011, using dialogue from the movie:

Burn it. 

P.S.

Also, Pandora, why haven't I heard "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" on the "Halloween Party" station? Are you anti-Semitic? Anti-lycan? Huh? It's a classic!

Dear Pandora,

Since you seem to be ignoring my feedback, I'd like to quickly explain to you why I give a "thumbs down" to a particular song or artist every time they pop up. Why, when I am listening at work, I will snap off my gloves and scramble to unlock my phone or, if I'm up to my elbows in crab meat, will actually use the tip of my nose to skip to the next song, and I hope that you will respect what I'm saying and QUIT PLAYING THESE SONGS.

1. "Earth Angel," The Penguins. This song actually makes me nauseous, for reasons I won't get into. I once began crying in the middle of an ice cream parlour because it came on the radio, and then I couldn't eat my turtle sundae (until I got outside. I mean, of course I still ate it). You seem to enjoy playing every single version ever recorded. You select it off any do-wop compilation, and play the live version, and then you play a cover by The Temptations, too. I DON'T WANT TO THROW UP AT WORK. I WORK WITH FOOD. STOP PLAYING THIS FUCKING SONG!

2. Chuck Berry. I can't enjoy his music because all I can think of is an old man who engages in coprophagia. So, again, with the sickness. Also, all his songs sound the same. Also, did you ever see those clips of him yelling at Keith Richards? Ugh, what a jerk. What a poop-eating jerk.

I hope you understand why I'd like you to respect my choices and eliminate "Earth Angel" and Chuck Berry from your sophisticated algorithm.

Thanks in advance!

Brooke

00's style

What do you think will be the quick fashion cues that, 20 or 30 years from now, will indicate something is taking place today? You know, you can tell a movie is set in the 80's because of the neon and the big hair, and there's flannel for the 90's, but what about the 00's? Or the 10's? I honestly don't know... Jeggings? Ugg boots (for the 00's)? Anyone have any ideas?

Furniture that Will Improve My Life

Change is hard, this we all know. It takes a lot of work. There are many small victories and even more set-backs. I, for instance, would like to be more organized and cleaner and more productive. I have looked deep inside myself. Am I capable of this? Can an old slob become efficient and manicured? I think so, if I save my pennies. Because when I looked inside myself, I didn't find strength or courage or even internal organs! I found a catalogue full of furniture that will, without a doubt, completely change my personality and make my life a million times better! Media cabinets and desks and things made from the wood salvaged from the bow of a ship that sunk in the Arctic circle in 1884!
Do you want to look inside my catalogue?
Do you?
Okay!

This desk from Jonas & Jonas is the only thing standing between me and a finished book. The ideas would flow from the ether to my head to my fingers to the keyboard to the screen to the greatest story of all-time. It would also never be cluttered with bills and other stupid papers (because there is no room. It's so small!).

If I owned this laundry cart, washing clothes would be a joy. Actually, I would probably just drop the dirty clothes in there, and when it was full I'd peek in and they would be clean and washed!

This wood stove by Wuehl Yanes might not make me more organized or productive, but it would make me more social. My crippling fear of other human beings would disappear and everyone would come over and we'd make S'mores and tell ghost stories and everyone would be like "you are so cool with your cool stuff! We love you!" and raise me on their shoulders.

In Oliver Peake's sunken bed I would only have good dreams. Then I would awaken, rested and with Zooey Deschanel hair, ready to take on the day!

Don't think I forgot Peanut! She doesn't really like being in little enclosed spaces or anything over her head (except blankets), but how could she say no to this little camper from Straight Line Designs? She couldn't. Dogs can't talk, stupid!


So, those are just a handful of things that, if I owned them, would make me a better person. There was also a clothing catalogue, but that is a post for another time. Because it's all about things, right? Things will make me happy!

Sugar Bear

I think I've mentioned a few times that I have some problems with sugar. Well, A problem with sugar. That is, I am addicted to it. Here are a few extremely accurate metaphors for my problem:

He's got a taste for human flesh!

*After a mere granule of sugar touches my tongue, I am not unlike a bear that has tasted human flesh. I become a "man-eater" for life, only the "man" I am "eating" is made of chocolate/cake/ frosting/Junior Mints/WHATEVER! I can't go back! Even if I was perfectly content before consuming sugar I am seized by an insatiable craving and I consume ALL of whatever I was eating (all the cupcakes, all the candy). Then I tear the kitchen apart looking for some sweets I may have overlooked on my previous binge. This is not hyperbole. When I get to this stage I should probably just be shot, like a man-eating bear. IT'S THAT BAD.


*Remember that episode of the Simpsons when Homer promises to take Bart and Lisa to Duff Gardens? But then he's too sick so Aunt Selma takes them, and Lisa drinks the water on the boat ride and they run out of "Bort" nameplates? Well, the reason Homer is sick is because he can't stop eating a giant sandwich that has gone bad. I can't take credit for this one, someone once made the connection when, seconds after recovering from a Red Velvet Cake-induced stomach ache, I pretended to go to the bathroom but really went into the kitchen to eat more cake. AND GOT SICK AGAIN. The clip isn't in English, but you can get the gist: 

"Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich now."

I was also going to try and say something about sharks/blood in the water, but I think the Bear analogy is more accurate.

So, besides trying to limit my sugar intake and not keep sweets in the apartment, I am have decided to try a three-day cleanse. No, it's not the scary lemon juice/cayenne cleanse that will probably make your heart explode. It's a juice cleanse, called the Can Can Cleanse. It's run by a very healthy-looking young lady who delivers your juice in adorable little mason jars (Bay Area folks only, though. Sorry). Yes, that's right. I'm swapping cupcakes in a jar for kale in a jar! I'm actually terrified of the green juice, but I think it will be really good for me. I basically eat peanut butter and pizza all the time, so three days of fresh, whole foods will probably make my body super happy. Also, she's just about to roll out her fall flavors (celery root sage soup, purple grape juice, rosemary nettle tea, and oooh, hazlenut almond milk!).  What I'm really hoping is it will a) help me with my sugar problem and b) help me with my energy problem (likely linked to my sugar problem).

Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes. I don't plan on signing up until October, because it's a little pricey and I need all my pennies right now.

Breaking News:

Thanks to eagle-eyed reader Josh, I have been informed that the Gordon Ramsay Sex Dwarf Story was a hoax. :( I mean, I am glad no one was eaten by badgers, but it takes a little umph out of the headline. I should have known better than to trust the British tabloids.
Oh well. You should still vote on the better headline, regardless of which one is true! Frankly, I am not sure this "naked man in a leather jacket eating a fudgesicle" wasn't Nic Cage glimpsing himself in the mirror at 2am.

Update: **Gordon Ramsay Sex Dwarf Wins!**

Don't forget to vote! --->

If you haven't already, please take a moment to vote in the poll located over there to the right of this post. In case you are curious (and how could you not be?), these are both headlines from September 14th, 2011. And yes, they are both real.

Gordon Ramsay's Dwarf Porn Double Found Dead In A Badger Den

Nicolas Cage was terrorized by a naked man holding a Fudgesicle


OR

 VS

Ellen Burstyn in "The Last Picture Show"

I don't really have anything to say. She's just gorgeous.

my imagined life in montana

Montany by brookeistall featuring shoulder handbags