Sunday, November 27, 2011


Hey y'all! Today I'd like to talk to you about something very important. I'd like to talk to you about Leonardo DiCaprio, and I'd like your thoughts on why he doesn't take some Benadryl or poke himself with an epipen to take down that swelling he's had going on since about 2001? It's pretty clear that it's not just going to go away on its own, Leo, and it's really just getting worse.


In 1996 my friends and I all went to see Romeo + Juliet starring Mr. DiCaprio and Angela Chase. If you are into dudes and you saw that movie, you were probably one of the thousands of people who audibly gasped when Romeo is introduced with a slow pan up his long, lean body to his insanely angelic face. I'm not kidding, the entire theatre was one huge whoosh of breath. Popcorn exploded. He was beautiful. He was seriously beautiful. My dad was like "Sweetie, that is a lady" when I started taping his picture up all over my room, but I didn't care. I suppose androgyny is comforting to middle school girls and that's why guys who looked like DiCaprio looked are popular with that age. I can tell you I'm really not into it now (with few exceptions). But he was very beautiful and very slim and had lips like a cupid's bow. I also stand by my statement that he was a great actor. I used to scream that a lot at my dad when he made fun of me for liking such a pretty boy. "HE IS A GREAT ACTOR AND YOU ARE A BUTTFACE DAD!" I would scream, and slam my door and cry onto my Leonardo DiCaprio pillow (not really).

(This was also when the internet was fresh and new and one time in a chat room someone said they'd send me a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio and it was his head photoshopped onto a naked man with a giant penis. I didn't know what to do about it. Later we sold that computer to our older neighbor and I wiped the drives but I was still terrified that the DiCaprio Porn was lurking somewhere and would spring out at her one afternoon.)

Is this what happened to you, Leo?
Anyway, he was around 23 when he made Romeo + Juliet. And after that he was in Titanic and we all know what happened then. And I think perhaps something else happened that we were not aware of, which is that Leonardo DiCaprio got stung by a bee. Maybe a few bees, or a large bee, or even a yellow jacket that stung him more than once. Whatever it was, Leonardo began to change.

Who is this?
It looked like maybe he was sick of being a skinny pretty boy and wanted to be taken seriously which okay, whatever. It looked like maybe he was pumping a lot of iron or taking steriods? He was in his 20's when he was the pretty Leo, so it's not like he was just a 16 year old who grew up and filled out. Right? Am I off base here? I am honestly really curious. It's hard for me to think that he just got fat because he has a bajillion dollars and probably has 32 personal trainers and chefs and someone to put their finger down his throat if he overeats and needs to purge. And he doesn't really look fat. He just looks kind of bloated. I don't even know what I'm trying to say here and I know he could give a shit what I think since he's off dating and being a dick to supermodels, except I am so distracted by trying to understand his physical transformation that I can't pay attention to his acting or anything else. I don't really enjoy his films anymore. I try to follow the plot but I'm just like, "Dude, go see your allergist."


  1. I agree!!!!!! He's not really as "fat" as he is middle aged looking or something. Anyway, good call.

  2. Haha, thanks, Z! Poor Leo... :(