Tuesday, October 6, 2009


I've been off sugar for 8 days now. It is harder than kicking alcohol. Never drinking again, ever, for the rest of my life leaves me with zero feeling. Imagining the rest of my birthdays and summers and the movies I will see without cake and ice cream and junior mints is almost unbearable. I've been taking some things I learned in AA and applied them to sugar, with some success. Namely taking it one day at a time. All I have to do is think: "I am not eating sugar today" and I can make it.
I initially thought I could have the occasional sweet when the three weeks are up. But that's not the way it works. An addiction doesn't reset. I will need just as much sugar or more, have the same cravings and find myself with an empty box of Oreos wondering what the fuck happened. So I have to say goodbye forever.
I don't know if I want to do that.
I already feel like a teetotaling drag. What fun to be the girl that doesn't drink, do drugs, or eat sugar! It is in EVERYTHING. In the beverages I like to drink, every snack I pick up. And I wonder, do I want a life without the pleasure of having a cupcake or a chocolate malt? Is that any kind of life?
When someone asks that question regarding alcohol, the answer is so clear. I feel kind of bad for them because they don't even realize how liquor rules and ruins their lives. It must be so for sugar, too. Because it's not pleasurable when I have to eat all the cupcakes or steal handful after handful of candy at work. I can't stop anymore, even when I want to. Even when I know I am going to be miserable and guilty the next day or in a few minutes. But will I be miserable without sugar, too?

Saturday, September 12, 2009

customer service

I am a terrible cashier and should never handle money. I was a good cook but it made me tired and very cranky. I feel too stupid to do anything. My drawer is never even and I am starting to wonder if someone in the cash up office has it in for me.
I take the money I count the money I count the change back I give the change back. How can I keep messing this up? It makes me feel fucking stupid. Why do I pretend I could do something more complex? That I could handle going back to school? It makes me very depressed. 
I used to get good grades. When people told me I was a good writer, I almost believed them. 
I was good at bagging groceries, even though that woman accused me of smashing her tomato (a lie). 
Maybe it would help a little if customers didn't treat me like an idiot. I know you don't pack frozen food with hot soup, you whore. And this woman today, talking to me as though I were an exasperating two-year-old. She was upset because the bags of ice someone had kindly filled for her to keep her fish and meat cold were LEAKING and the girl said they wouldn't LEAK but FEEL THEM they are WET AND I HAVE TO DRIVE AN HOUR AND I DON'T WANT MY BAG TO GET WET and I said "they are just sweating, ma'am. Like a toilet." And maybe you should buy a fucking thermal bag if improper refrigeration gives you hives. I thought she said she wanted her cheese in with the fish and I asked "You want the cheese with the fish?" and she lost her shit over that. I said, "That's why I asked," because it seemed like a dumb request but here at FOOD STORE we do ANYTHING THE CUSTOMER WANTS with no regard for our personal dignity. Then she got mad because I wasn't going to put the ice on the bottom, WHICH WAS THE WHOLE POINT OF THE ICE, HELLO!, except I thought maybe having the ice sandwiching the fish and meat items might be better, since there were so many of them quite a few were not even touching the ice when I stacked them all on top. She sighed at me so many times and then I regurgitated those sighs in front of other customers, and I felt bad because I was just frustrated with my fucking life and not them. 

But I'll tell you I spent the day with Mark and it feels wonderful to be with someone who treats you like you're worth a damn. 

Saturday, June 27, 2009