Friday, September 30, 2011

Furniture that Will Improve My Life

Change is hard, this we all know. It takes a lot of work. There are many small victories and even more set-backs. I, for instance, would like to be more organized and cleaner and more productive. I have looked deep inside myself. Am I capable of this? Can an old slob become efficient and manicured? I think so, if I save my pennies. Because when I looked inside myself, I didn't find strength or courage or even internal organs! I found a catalogue full of furniture that will, without a doubt, completely change my personality and make my life a million times better! Media cabinets and desks and things made from the wood salvaged from the bow of a ship that sunk in the Arctic circle in 1884!
Do you want to look inside my catalogue?
Do you?

This desk from Jonas & Jonas is the only thing standing between me and a finished book. The ideas would flow from the ether to my head to my fingers to the keyboard to the screen to the greatest story of all-time. It would also never be cluttered with bills and other stupid papers (because there is no room. It's so small!).

If I owned this laundry cart, washing clothes would be a joy. Actually, I would probably just drop the dirty clothes in there, and when it was full I'd peek in and they would be clean and washed!

This wood stove by Wuehl Yanes might not make me more organized or productive, but it would make me more social. My crippling fear of other human beings would disappear and everyone would come over and we'd make S'mores and tell ghost stories and everyone would be like "you are so cool with your cool stuff! We love you!" and raise me on their shoulders.

In Oliver Peake's sunken bed I would only have good dreams. Then I would awaken, rested and with Zooey Deschanel hair, ready to take on the day!

Don't think I forgot Peanut! She doesn't really like being in little enclosed spaces or anything over her head (except blankets), but how could she say no to this little camper from Straight Line Designs? She couldn't. Dogs can't talk, stupid!

So, those are just a handful of things that, if I owned them, would make me a better person. There was also a clothing catalogue, but that is a post for another time. Because it's all about things, right? Things will make me happy!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sugar Bear

I think I've mentioned a few times that I have some problems with sugar. Well, A problem with sugar. That is, I am addicted to it. Here are a few extremely accurate metaphors for my problem:

He's got a taste for human flesh!
*After a mere granule of sugar touches my tongue, I am not unlike a bear that has tasted human flesh. I become a "man-eater" for life, only the "man" I am "eating" is made of chocolate/cake/ frosting/Junior Mints/WHATEVER! I can't go back! Even if I was perfectly content before consuming sugar I am seized by an insatiable craving and I consume ALL of whatever I was eating (all the cupcakes, all the candy). Then I tear the kitchen apart looking for some sweets I may have overlooked on my previous binge. This is not hyperbole. When I get to this stage I should probably just be shot, like a man-eating bear. IT'S THAT BAD.

*Remember that episode of the Simpsons when Homer promises to take Bart and Lisa to Duff Gardens? But then he's too sick so Aunt Selma takes them, and Lisa drinks the water on the boat ride and they run out of "Bort" nameplates? Well, the reason Homer is sick is because he can't stop eating a giant sandwich that has gone bad. I can't take credit for this one, someone once made the connection when, seconds after recovering from a Red Velvet Cake-induced stomach ache, I pretended to go to the bathroom but really went into the kitchen to eat more cake. AND GOT SICK AGAIN. The clip isn't in English, but you can get the gist: 

"Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich now."

I was also going to try and say something about sharks/blood in the water, but I think the Bear analogy is more accurate.

So, besides trying to limit my sugar intake and not keep sweets in the apartment, I am have decided to try a three-day cleanse. No, it's not the scary lemon juice/cayenne cleanse that will probably make your heart explode. It's a juice cleanse, called the Can Can Cleanse. It's run by a very healthy-looking young lady who delivers your juice in adorable little mason jars (Bay Area folks only, though. Sorry). Yes, that's right. I'm swapping cupcakes in a jar for kale in a jar! I'm actually terrified of the green juice, but I think it will be really good for me. I basically eat peanut butter and pizza all the time, so three days of fresh, whole foods will probably make my body super happy. Also, she's just about to roll out her fall flavors (celery root sage soup, purple grape juice, rosemary nettle tea, and oooh, hazlenut almond milk!).  What I'm really hoping is it will a) help me with my sugar problem and b) help me with my energy problem (likely linked to my sugar problem).

Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes. I don't plan on signing up until October, because it's a little pricey and I need all my pennies right now.

Breaking News:

Thanks to eagle-eyed reader Josh, I have been informed that the Gordon Ramsay Sex Dwarf Story was a hoax. :( I mean, I am glad no one was eaten by badgers, but it takes a little umph out of the headline. I should have known better than to trust the British tabloids.
Oh well. You should still vote on the better headline, regardless of which one is true! Frankly, I am not sure this "naked man in a leather jacket eating a fudgesicle" wasn't Nic Cage glimpsing himself in the mirror at 2am.

Update: **Gordon Ramsay Sex Dwarf Wins!**

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Don't forget to vote! --->

If you haven't already, please take a moment to vote in the poll located over there to the right of this post. In case you are curious (and how could you not be?), these are both headlines from September 14th, 2011. And yes, they are both real.

Gordon Ramsay's Dwarf Porn Double Found Dead In A Badger Den

Nicolas Cage was terrorized by a naked man holding a Fudgesicle



Friday, September 16, 2011