Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Sugar Bear

I think I've mentioned a few times that I have some problems with sugar. Well, A problem with sugar. That is, I am addicted to it. Here are a few extremely accurate metaphors for my problem:

He's got a taste for human flesh!
*After a mere granule of sugar touches my tongue, I am not unlike a bear that has tasted human flesh. I become a "man-eater" for life, only the "man" I am "eating" is made of chocolate/cake/ frosting/Junior Mints/WHATEVER! I can't go back! Even if I was perfectly content before consuming sugar I am seized by an insatiable craving and I consume ALL of whatever I was eating (all the cupcakes, all the candy). Then I tear the kitchen apart looking for some sweets I may have overlooked on my previous binge. This is not hyperbole. When I get to this stage I should probably just be shot, like a man-eating bear. IT'S THAT BAD.

*Remember that episode of the Simpsons when Homer promises to take Bart and Lisa to Duff Gardens? But then he's too sick so Aunt Selma takes them, and Lisa drinks the water on the boat ride and they run out of "Bort" nameplates? Well, the reason Homer is sick is because he can't stop eating a giant sandwich that has gone bad. I can't take credit for this one, someone once made the connection when, seconds after recovering from a Red Velvet Cake-induced stomach ache, I pretended to go to the bathroom but really went into the kitchen to eat more cake. AND GOT SICK AGAIN. The clip isn't in English, but you can get the gist: 

"Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich now."

I was also going to try and say something about sharks/blood in the water, but I think the Bear analogy is more accurate.

So, besides trying to limit my sugar intake and not keep sweets in the apartment, I am have decided to try a three-day cleanse. No, it's not the scary lemon juice/cayenne cleanse that will probably make your heart explode. It's a juice cleanse, called the Can Can Cleanse. It's run by a very healthy-looking young lady who delivers your juice in adorable little mason jars (Bay Area folks only, though. Sorry). Yes, that's right. I'm swapping cupcakes in a jar for kale in a jar! I'm actually terrified of the green juice, but I think it will be really good for me. I basically eat peanut butter and pizza all the time, so three days of fresh, whole foods will probably make my body super happy. Also, she's just about to roll out her fall flavors (celery root sage soup, purple grape juice, rosemary nettle tea, and oooh, hazlenut almond milk!).  What I'm really hoping is it will a) help me with my sugar problem and b) help me with my energy problem (likely linked to my sugar problem).

Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes. I don't plan on signing up until October, because it's a little pricey and I need all my pennies right now.


  1. how did it go?? from one sugar junkie to another, is it worth it? how long did it keep you off rock(candy)?

  2. Well... no. Not exactly. I timed it very poorly because I went on vacation like two days after it was finished and of course had to sample the local cuisine... So I basically ate 1,000 bignets and cafe au laits with tons of sugar etc. I think I would try it again as a jumping-off point for cutting out some of the bad stuff in my diet, but 3 days is simply not long enough for me to stop craving sugar. I did find that it kept me away from cheese and pizza and meat for a while, because I became pretty sick if I ate them after being on a liquid diet. Even after three days!
    So, I guess sort of is the answer. I'd like to try again.