Monday, October 31, 2011

Read my story on The Hairpin!

Hey guys! Guess what?! The Hairpin ran my 5 Scary Movies to Watch this Halloween. Check it out! I adore their website, so this is huge for me.

So maybe if you google my name now maybe something will come up other than a lady who runs backpacking trips for business people or this:

I'd just like to say, for the record, that it did NOT say "a pair of thongs" on the packing list. It just said "thongs." I would know what they meant if they said "a pair." NICE REPORTING.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Easy, last-minute Halloween Costumes

If you waited until the last minute to assemble a Halloween costume, I have a few simple, quick ideas that incorporate easy to find items with things you already probably have around the house (like a satin jacket with a scorpion on the back).

Dexy's Midnight Runners

Um, how easy is this? Get your overalls out (because I know you still have them, cause you were hoping they'd come back in style. Guess what? THEY WON'T) and cuff the legs. Then all you need is an undershirt and a bandana knotted around your neck and some sweet dance moves. You also need $.99 to download the song onto your phone so you can play it on repeat so everyone knows that you're not just dressed as a random ragamuffin. 
For the Pros: Make dummies of other members of the band. Do that thing where you tie them to a broomstick on either side of you so you all move in unison. I can't find a video but I think you know what I mean. 

 R.J. MacReady, The Thing

So I'm on a little bit of a The Thing kick. So what? It's my blog. Fuck you! Here's what you need: leather bomber jacket (I think you could get away with a winter jacket with a fur-lined hood, too), sombrero, shades, beard. Maybe a bottle of whiskey. Everyone is going to think you are so badass, especially when you start lighting shit up WITH YOUR FLAME THROWEEEERRR!! For the Pros: Frozen MacReady! Put up the hood on a blue hoodie and draw the drawstrings really tight. Put icicles in your beard.

Coach Eric Taylor, Friday Night Lights

Panthers Coach: Blue hat, blue polo, blue windbreaker. Lions Coach: Red hat, red polo, red windbreaker. Always: Sunglasses string, whistle, khaki shorts, athletic socks, amazing wife. For the Pros: Uhh, give a couple inspirational speeches.

The Kid, Drive 

If you don't have blonde hair, bleach it. Then get a satin jacket with a scorpion on the back. Driving gloves. A hammer. Boom. Don't forget your toothpicks! For the Pros: Wear a creepy bald mask. Get blood all over your jacket. 

Michael MacDonald 
Get fat and wear a turtleneck and I don't know, grow a fucking beard and let your hair turn gray! Why did you wait so long to figure out your costume?! God dammit!!

If you're a girl: Just do any of the above, but sexy. (I wasn't going to make that joke, because it's been done to death, but I really wanted to photoshop a Sexy Frozen MacReady.)

My review of The Thing 2011, using dialogue from the movie:

Burn it. 

Thursday, October 27, 2011


Also, Pandora, why haven't I heard "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" on the "Halloween Party" station? Are you anti-Semitic? Anti-lycan? Huh? It's a classic!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Dear Pandora,

Since you seem to be ignoring my feedback, I'd like to quickly explain to you why I give a "thumbs down" to a particular song or artist every time they pop up. Why, when I am listening at work, I will snap off my gloves and scramble to unlock my phone or, if I'm up to my elbows in crab meat, will actually use the tip of my nose to skip to the next song, and I hope that you will respect what I'm saying and QUIT PLAYING THESE SONGS.

1. "Earth Angel," The Penguins. This song actually makes me nauseous, for reasons I won't get into. I once began crying in the middle of an ice cream parlour because it came on the radio, and then I couldn't eat my turtle sundae (until I got outside. I mean, of course I still ate it). You seem to enjoy playing every single version ever recorded. You select it off any do-wop compilation, and play the live version, and then you play a cover by The Temptations, too. I DON'T WANT TO THROW UP AT WORK. I WORK WITH FOOD. STOP PLAYING THIS FUCKING SONG!

2. Chuck Berry. I can't enjoy his music because all I can think of is an old man who engages in coprophagia. So, again, with the sickness. Also, all his songs sound the same. Also, did you ever see those clips of him yelling at Keith Richards? Ugh, what a jerk. What a poop-eating jerk.

I hope you understand why I'd like you to respect my choices and eliminate "Earth Angel" and Chuck Berry from your sophisticated algorithm.

Thanks in advance!


Saturday, October 1, 2011

00's style

What do you think will be the quick fashion cues that, 20 or 30 years from now, will indicate something is taking place today? You know, you can tell a movie is set in the 80's because of the neon and the big hair, and there's flannel for the 90's, but what about the 00's? Or the 10's? I honestly don't know... Jeggings? Ugg boots (for the 00's)? Anyone have any ideas?