Kindle

I guess at this point a Kindle is about as fresh as a walkman, but they no longer cost $400, so I just got one for my birthday. I was hesitant at first (Would I use it? Would I miss the tactile joys of turning the pages of a book?), but as it happens the Kindle and I are perfectly suited to one another. Here's why:

• My Brain. I am pathetically forgetful. I can go into a library or bookstore, determined to leave with a particular novel, and the moment I step over the threshold, I've completely forgotten it. In fact, I can't remember the title or author of any book I have ever wanted to read. Plus, library and bookstores are something of a laxative for me. I think it is a trauma reaction to the time I pooped in my pants at the library as a kid. I must devote all my powers to locating the restroom, often riding three or four escalators, and by the time all that is finished, I have no idea what I came in for. I wander around for a while, investigate my sign in the astrology section, and leave, with slumped shoulders and a frowny-face. Even if I go in with the title written on my hand, I will have sweated it into a blurry mess by the time I hunt down the restroom. With the Kindle, I can download a book as soon as I decide I want to read it. I can even download from the bathroom, in case the Amazon.com website makes me uncomfortable!
• Book Paranoia. I am shy about reading in public because I am either embarrassed by the Y.A. novel I'm reading, or because I worry people will think I'm being pretentious and trying to look smart with my copy of Lolita. Instead of dealing with my paranoia, I can now hide what I'm reading from the public. From The Baby-Sitters Club to Balzac, my literary choices stay between me and my Kindle. This secret bond has brought us closer than ever.
• Fat Books. It's a real pain in the ass to try and carry around a fat book, especially a hard cover. The Kindle is nice and svelte. This also helps if you are trying to read while you eat. You can lay the Kindle flat on the table or in your lap and use both hands to stuff your face, as you were meant to. 
• No One Is Losing. The sad, honest truth is that I wasn't patronizing independent bookstores to begin with (or many bookstores at all. Because of, you know, the pooping), so they're not losing a customer. Wow, that sounds awful. But it's the truth, and at least this way I am reading, instead of hovering outside the window of a bookstore, feeling my bowels clench, and running away.
• I Am Reading! And reading and reading and reading! That's what it's all about, right? I don't think I've read like this since I was a kid and it makes me so happy.
• It Asked for My Hand in Marriage. You guys! I can finally reveal that the Kindle and I are getting married! We're planning an autumn wedding. You guys!!!!!

So buy a Kindle! Or don't. But it's about time you started thinking about settling down, and look what it did for me!