Saturday, December 11, 2010

Helpful advice!

I am writing this because I care about you. Because you seem like a nice person, and I don't want you to get hurt.

You see, there's been talk. 

Talk about you.

Talk about you and your... announcements. 

Lloyd Christmas can't stand the sound of your voice.

Paging people over a loudspeaker is uncomfortable and kind of embarrassing, but it's part of your job. Throughout your day you may have to alert what seems like hundreds of people that there's a call for them on line one. That sucks. I know it sucks because I've had that job. But you know what else sucks? Is hearing someone make the same announcement what seems like hundreds of times a day with the same phrasing, at the same volume, with the same cadence every single time. It is, in fact, maddening, and will cause otherwise pleasant people to have homicidal ideations starring you and a hot rotisserie poker.

I know you're just doing your job. I know you don't really want to scold people about the patient customer with the salami question. But at a certain point no one actually hears what you're saying because it just sounds like this: 

All I'm saying is, spice it up a little bit. Maybe try some new inflections. Use a silly accent, or pretend you are wearing a hat. What would someone who wears a hat sound like? If you want to follow this Jim Carrey thread, maybe pretend it's your butthole making the announcement. Wouldn't that be fun? I'll bet you'd be less likely to get a baguette beat-down the next time you have to page the bakery six times in a row. 

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