Sugar

I've been off sugar for 8 days now. It is harder than kicking alcohol. Never drinking again, ever, for the rest of my life leaves me with zero feeling. Imagining the rest of my birthdays and summers and the movies I will see without cake and ice cream and junior mints is almost unbearable. I've been taking some things I learned in AA and applied them to sugar, with some success. Namely taking it one day at a time. All I have to do is think: "I am not eating sugar today" and I can make it.

I initially thought I could have the occasional sweet when the three weeks are up. But that's not the way it works. An addiction doesn't reset. I will need just as much sugar or more, have the same cravings and find myself with an empty box of Oreos wondering what the fuck happened. So I have to say goodbye forever.

I don't know if I want to do that.

I already feel like a teetotaling drag. What fun to be the girl that doesn't drink, do drugs, or eat sugar! It is in EVERYTHING. In the beverages I like to drink, every snack I pick up. And I wonder, do I want a life without the pleasure of having a cupcake or a chocolate malt? Is that any kind of life?

When someone asks that question regarding alcohol, the answer is so clear. I feel kind of bad for them because they don't even realize how liquor rules and ruins their lives. It must be so for sugar, too. Because it's not pleasurable when I have to eat all the cupcakes or steal handful after handful of candy at work. I can't stop anymore, even when I want to. Even when I know I am going to be miserable and guilty the next day or in a few minutes. But will I be miserable without sugar, too?