Last Minute Halloween Costumes, 2012 Style

I decided to help you out again this year, slacker. 

PSY, Gangnam Style Music Video

Duh. I have a feeling PSY look-alikes are going to be riding their imaginary steeds all over the country this year. So you're not going to stand out in your blue tuxedo jacket and bowtie and shades, but you at least know in ten years you can look back on the pictures you took this holiday and wonder what the fuck you were supposed to be. For the pros: Get one of your friends to dress as the guy in the yellow suit, and your other friend to dress as humpy-humpy guy in the elevator. You could also ask someone to precede you with a giant fan and spray trash in your face all night.

Maddie The Coonhound, Maddie on Things

To truly capture the essence of Maddie the Coonhound, you're going to have to focus more on your energy and state of mind than your physical props.  You can make a quick dog costume by cutting out some floppy dog ears (you can use felt or brown paper or even a paper bag!) and tape them to a headband, and paint a dog nose on your human nose, and make a tail and wear a collar. Then all night, be very patient, and polite, and climb up to very high, precarious, unexpected places and just stay there. For the pros: This would work really well if you have lots of sunspots on your skin. 

 Brandon, Shame

Dress really sharply, comb your hair neatly, speak with just the barest hint of an Irish accent. Also get a huge fake dong and hang it out of your open fly. The girls will love it. For the pros: FUCK EVERYTHING. 

Hannah Horvath, Girls

Strip on down to your birthday suit and be kind of awful to everyone. Don't forget your cupcake! For the pros: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go to the bathroom alone or let your bffs go to the bathroom alone! This includes doing number ones and number twos and also bathing. Don't forget your cupcake!

The Higgs Boson, The Beginning of Space and Time

Pipecleaners. For the pros: More pipecleaners. 

HALLOWEEN DON'T!

Hey Mom, I'm going to be a fucking toadstool for Halloween.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(If you really want your kid to look like a stupid mushroom you can buy this at Pottery Barn Kids. But I wouldn't recommend it!)

Easy, last-minute Halloween Costumes

If you waited until the last minute to assemble a Halloween costume, I have a few simple, quick ideas that incorporate easy to find items with things you already probably have around the house (like a satin jacket with a scorpion on the back).

Dexy's Midnight Runners

Um, how easy is this? Get your overalls out (because I know you still have them, cause you were hoping they'd come back in style. Guess what? THEY WON'T) and cuff the legs. Then all you need is an undershirt and a bandana knotted around your neck and some sweet dance moves. You also need $.99 to download the song onto your phone so you can play it on repeat so everyone knows that you're not just dressed as a random ragamuffin. 

For the Pros: Make dummies of other members of the band. Do that thing where you tie them to a broomstick on either side of you so you all move in unison. I can't find a video but I think you know what I mean. 

 R.J. MacReady, The Thing

So I'm on a little bit of a The Thing kick. So what? It's my blog. Fuck you! Here's what you need: leather bomber jacket (I think you could get away with a winter jacket with a fur-lined hood, too), sombrero, shades, beard. Maybe a bottle of whiskey. Everyone is going to think you are so badass, especially when you start lighting shit up WITH YOUR FLAME THROWEEEERRR!! For the Pros: Frozen MacReady! Put up the hood on a blue hoodie and draw the drawstrings really tight. Put icicles in your beard.

Coach Eric Taylor, Friday Night Lights

Panthers Coach: Blue hat, blue polo, blue windbreaker. Lions Coach: Red hat, red polo, red windbreaker. Always: Sunglasses string, whistle, khaki shorts, athletic socks, amazing wife. For the Pros: Uhh, give a couple inspirational speeches.

The Kid, Drive 

If you don't have blonde hair, bleach it. Then get a satin jacket with a scorpion on the back. Driving gloves. A hammer. Boom. Don't forget your toothpicks! For the Pros: Wear a creepy bald mask. Get blood all over your jacket. 

Michael MacDonald 

Get fat and wear a turtleneck and I don't know, grow a fucking beard and let your hair turn gray! Why did you wait so long to figure out your costume?! God dammit!!

If you're a girl: Just do any of the above, but sexy. (I wasn't going to make that joke, because it's been done to death, but I really wanted to photoshop a Sexy Frozen MacReady.)

P.S.

Also, Pandora, why haven't I heard "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" on the "Halloween Party" station? Are you anti-Semitic? Anti-lycan? Huh? It's a classic!