Update!

In case anyone was wondering how my battle with sugar is going (I may have stupidly declared this "No Sugar November," lol Brooke), I recently bought a dozen mini-cupcakes and hid in my bedroom and ate them all while watching Paranormal Activity 2.



What makes this story even more alarming and pathetic (if you can believe it) is that between buying the cupcakes and consuming them I watched Thor with one of my housemates, his girlfriend, his sister, and her husband. This would have been a great opportunity share the cupcakes and to be a nice person and a good hostess and also ensure I would not eat all 12 cupcakes myself. But I kept my little secret and I ate the shit out of those cupcakes.

 Then I ate a cookie.

The war rages on, my friends...

Update November 14th: Consumed an entire 9" cake by myself. Okay, my mom had once slice. When will it end?

Sugar Bear

I think I've mentioned a few times that I have some problems with sugar. Well, A problem with sugar. That is, I am addicted to it. Here are a few extremely accurate metaphors for my problem:

He's got a taste for human flesh!

*After a mere granule of sugar touches my tongue, I am not unlike a bear that has tasted human flesh. I become a "man-eater" for life, only the "man" I am "eating" is made of chocolate/cake/ frosting/Junior Mints/WHATEVER! I can't go back! Even if I was perfectly content before consuming sugar I am seized by an insatiable craving and I consume ALL of whatever I was eating (all the cupcakes, all the candy). Then I tear the kitchen apart looking for some sweets I may have overlooked on my previous binge. This is not hyperbole. When I get to this stage I should probably just be shot, like a man-eating bear. IT'S THAT BAD.


*Remember that episode of the Simpsons when Homer promises to take Bart and Lisa to Duff Gardens? But then he's too sick so Aunt Selma takes them, and Lisa drinks the water on the boat ride and they run out of "Bort" nameplates? Well, the reason Homer is sick is because he can't stop eating a giant sandwich that has gone bad. I can't take credit for this one, someone once made the connection when, seconds after recovering from a Red Velvet Cake-induced stomach ache, I pretended to go to the bathroom but really went into the kitchen to eat more cake. AND GOT SICK AGAIN. The clip isn't in English, but you can get the gist: 

"Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich now."

I was also going to try and say something about sharks/blood in the water, but I think the Bear analogy is more accurate.

So, besides trying to limit my sugar intake and not keep sweets in the apartment, I am have decided to try a three-day cleanse. No, it's not the scary lemon juice/cayenne cleanse that will probably make your heart explode. It's a juice cleanse, called the Can Can Cleanse. It's run by a very healthy-looking young lady who delivers your juice in adorable little mason jars (Bay Area folks only, though. Sorry). Yes, that's right. I'm swapping cupcakes in a jar for kale in a jar! I'm actually terrified of the green juice, but I think it will be really good for me. I basically eat peanut butter and pizza all the time, so three days of fresh, whole foods will probably make my body super happy. Also, she's just about to roll out her fall flavors (celery root sage soup, purple grape juice, rosemary nettle tea, and oooh, hazlenut almond milk!).  What I'm really hoping is it will a) help me with my sugar problem and b) help me with my energy problem (likely linked to my sugar problem).

Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes. I don't plan on signing up until October, because it's a little pricey and I need all my pennies right now.

Sugar

I've been off sugar for 8 days now. It is harder than kicking alcohol. Never drinking again, ever, for the rest of my life leaves me with zero feeling. Imagining the rest of my birthdays and summers and the movies I will see without cake and ice cream and junior mints is almost unbearable. I've been taking some things I learned in AA and applied them to sugar, with some success. Namely taking it one day at a time. All I have to do is think: "I am not eating sugar today" and I can make it.

I initially thought I could have the occasional sweet when the three weeks are up. But that's not the way it works. An addiction doesn't reset. I will need just as much sugar or more, have the same cravings and find myself with an empty box of Oreos wondering what the fuck happened. So I have to say goodbye forever.

I don't know if I want to do that.

I already feel like a teetotaling drag. What fun to be the girl that doesn't drink, do drugs, or eat sugar! It is in EVERYTHING. In the beverages I like to drink, every snack I pick up. And I wonder, do I want a life without the pleasure of having a cupcake or a chocolate malt? Is that any kind of life?

When someone asks that question regarding alcohol, the answer is so clear. I feel kind of bad for them because they don't even realize how liquor rules and ruins their lives. It must be so for sugar, too. Because it's not pleasurable when I have to eat all the cupcakes or steal handful after handful of candy at work. I can't stop anymore, even when I want to. Even when I know I am going to be miserable and guilty the next day or in a few minutes. But will I be miserable without sugar, too?