Christmas Spirit 2011

Christmas is already ruined for me this year, because I have heard "Wonderful Christmas Time" 5 times already and it's not even December yet. This is absolutely the worst Christmas song ever and possibly one of the worst songs ever, period. Instead of making me feel cozy and sentimental it conjures visions of Paul McCartney stretched out on a mustard shag carpeting, plucking an electric rubber band. It inspires no feelings of love or charity. Only rage. Blinding, white rage, bright as the north star. 

 Last year I successfully went all season without hearing it once, and I hoped to make that a thing. A thing where I never have to hear that awful song again. But that was ruined on November 22nd, when I attempted to tune into "Love Songs After Dark" on the local cheese-ball radio station and instead got Christmas music. Apparently I couldn't even make it to Thanksgiving this year before hearing that piece of shit song. He can't even fit all the words into his chorus! Simply. Having. Awonderfulchristmastime! And it's not like Paul McCartney doesn't know how to write a song. HE WAS A BEATLE! HE WAS 1/2 OF ONE OF THE GREATEST SONG WRITING TEAMS IN HISTORY! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, PAUL! YOU'RE NOT RINGO! HAVE SOME DIGNITY!

Oh my God, I am so worked up now. The only antidote is to listen to Bing Crosby or this song, which is a perfect example of Christmas cheesy-ness done correctly: 

Now THAT'S a good Christmas pop song. If I had my way Paul McCartney would get a lump of crap in his stocking every single year.

View from Twin Peaks

San Francisco at Night, a photo by unphotographable on Flickr.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO: ATTACKED BY BEES?

Hey y'all! Today I'd like to talk to you about something very important. I'd like to talk to you about Leonardo DiCaprio, and I'd like your thoughts on why he doesn't take some Benadryl or poke himself with an epipen to take down that swelling he's had going on since about 2001? It's pretty clear that it's not just going to go away on its own, Leo, and it's really just getting worse.

'Sup?

In 1996 my friends and I all went to see Romeo + Juliet starring Mr. DiCaprio and Angela Chase. If you are into dudes and you saw that movie, you were probably one of the thousands of people who audibly gasped when Romeo is introduced with a slow pan up his long, lean body to his insanely angelic face. I'm not kidding, the entire theatre was one huge whoosh of breath. Popcorn exploded. He was beautiful. He was seriously beautiful. My dad was like "Sweetie, that is a lady" when I started taping his picture up all over my room, but I didn't care. I suppose androgyny is comforting to middle school girls and that's why guys who looked like DiCaprio looked are popular with that age. I can tell you I'm really not into it now (with few exceptions). But he was very beautiful and very slim and had lips like a cupid's bow. I also stand by my statement that he was a great actor. I used to scream that a lot at my dad when he made fun of me for liking such a pretty boy. "HE IS A GREAT ACTOR AND YOU ARE A BUTTFACE DAD!" I would scream, and slam my door and cry onto my Leonardo DiCaprio pillow (not really).

(This was also when the internet was fresh and new and one time in a chat room someone said they'd send me a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio and it was his head photoshopped onto a naked man with a giant penis. I didn't know what to do about it. Later we sold that computer to our older neighbor and I wiped the drives but I was still terrified that the DiCaprio Porn was lurking somewhere and would spring out at her one afternoon.)

Is this what happened to you, Leo?

Anyway, he was around 23 when he made Romeo + Juliet. And after that he was in Titanic and we all know what happened then. And I think perhaps something else happened that we were not aware of, which is that Leonardo DiCaprio got stung by a bee. Maybe a few bees, or a large bee, or even a yellow jacket that stung him more than once. Whatever it was, Leonardo began to change.

Who is this?

It looked like maybe he was sick of being a skinny pretty boy and wanted to be taken seriously which okay, whatever. It looked like maybe he was pumping a lot of iron or taking steriods? He was in his 20's when he was the pretty Leo, so it's not like he was just a 16 year old who grew up and filled out. Right? Am I off base here? I am honestly really curious. It's hard for me to think that he just got fat because he has a bajillion dollars and probably has 32 personal trainers and chefs and someone to put their finger down his throat if he overeats and needs to purge. And he doesn't really look fat. He just looks kind of bloated. I don't even know what I'm trying to say here and I know he could give a shit what I think since he's off dating and being a dick to supermodels, except I am so distracted by trying to understand his physical transformation that I can't pay attention to his acting or anything else. I don't really enjoy his films anymore. I try to follow the plot but I'm just like, "Dude, go see your allergist."

Old People

Call my dog Peanuts.

Worst Band Name of All Time

Hey! Here's a contest! Let's decide, once and for all, THE WORST BAND NAME OF ALL TIME!!!!

The winner gets a copy of the greatest hits of the band they nominated.

Here is my contribution:

Hoobastank.

Oh shit! Looks like this contest is over before it began! I win! I win!

Feel free to challenge me, but you know I'm right.

This One Time...

I got this sweater in Austin, Texas at a heavy discount (I think the price had been reduced three times). It is ill-fitting and made for someone twice my size, but also cozy and comforting. I mostly wore it around the apartment but one chilly day I bundled myself up in it and walked up the hill to the grocery store. I was crossing the street and this guy driving by stuck his head out the window and yelled: "Nice sweater!" and I had the beginnings of a smile on my face and was about to say "Thank you!" when he added: "YOU FREAK!"Here are a couple reasons why I disagree with his statement:  I feel as though wearing this sweater in Austin, Texas might be freakish since it is normally very hot, but San Francisco is cold and wet and it seems appropriate. Also, I lived in The Tenderloin at this time, and for every three people you pass in the TL, one is bat-shit crazy. There is a man who dresses like a Geisha and paints his face white and draws huge, jagged lips over his mouth and shuffles around pulling on his hair, talking to himself. That kind of crazy. So, I really took issue with this guy singling me out to call me a freak. I sadly bought my bread and peanut butter and sadly walked back down the hill. I told Mark what happened and he started laughing, and then I laughed, too. But I still kind of wished that guy had crashed his car. What was he doing looking out the window and calling people freaks when he was driving?!

THE END, a photo by Dill Pixels on Flickr.

Paulie Loves Joannie

Well this is just going to kill me. Can't get any better than Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. Ugh, God. Just look at them!

Update!

In case anyone was wondering how my battle with sugar is going (I may have stupidly declared this "No Sugar November," lol Brooke), I recently bought a dozen mini-cupcakes and hid in my bedroom and ate them all while watching Paranormal Activity 2.



What makes this story even more alarming and pathetic (if you can believe it) is that between buying the cupcakes and consuming them I watched Thor with one of my housemates, his girlfriend, his sister, and her husband. This would have been a great opportunity share the cupcakes and to be a nice person and a good hostess and also ensure I would not eat all 12 cupcakes myself. But I kept my little secret and I ate the shit out of those cupcakes.

 Then I ate a cookie.

The war rages on, my friends...

Update November 14th: Consumed an entire 9" cake by myself. Okay, my mom had once slice. When will it end?

Important diagram.

Circa February 2006